59 to 60 part 46

                                                                               31/01/22

Hello and welcome to a new week and it is hard to believe it is just over a month and then I will be 60 and this blog will come to an end. I am just back from a walk and it is sunny but cold and yeah it was a nice walk, soon I will wake up Helen and she is having a shower then we are going to the funeral director to discuss prices, a hard day and I am unsure how I will feel while going through this but my main priority is Helen as it is of course all about Helen and I am going on about how I will feel god how must she be feeling I know it is something we should all sort out but to do it like this it must be playing on her mind. So I had a quiet walk around Panmuirfield and then down to the beach before heading back to the house and Helen is having her quiet time which I think does her a lot of good. So here are some photos from walk. 

Back home after the funeral directors and it is what we guessed £4,800 but it has given Helen what she wants, I am so proud of her she is just so dignified and just courage shown well I cant begin to imagine what was going through her head but it never came out until we had left but Helen wanted to go to the shops then home where she can relax. I always wanted to go first as I feel Helen can cope with this world much better than me and if I could give her my life I would no one deserves to go through this but when it is someone so close to you someone you have spent most of your life with you are always going to say she does not deserve this and it is true she doesn't, I finish todays blog with a tears in my eyes.

                                                                                01/02/22

Hello and welcome to the start of a very blustery February i can feel the shed move as i sit in it and gusts of winds blow underneath it but one good thing the washing i did this morning is nearly dry and one bad things is i never got out for many cycle but have been for a small walk. We had a bit of a late sleep today whoopie yes it was actually day light when we woke this morning so i guess it is what we both needed. I spoke to my mate john this morning about him doing the talk at Helen’s funeral ( I hope this is a long time away) and he said he would be honoured to do it just like he was honoured to give Helen away on our wedding day so at least that bit is sorted now. I am trying to make the next few days about us no hospital appointments and just try to stay away form the subject of hospitals or doctors and lets just try and talk about us let’s just try and do things that we want to do, so lets see how that goes today.

I thought i would randomly put up some photos of my family and i am not sure if i have put up a photo off Abbie before sh is a lovely wee lass full of fun and she once broke my phone taking photos 😂 well that’s what i keep telling her.

Well it was indeed a quiet day was busy in the garden creating a w spot for some wild flowers and then a bite to eat, i am now just clearing up and then in for a shower then tea and then the football as tonight it is a derby game and even though i wont be there i hope w still manage to pick up all three points so i can watch the highlights later tonight. Helen has been busy tidying things up and she told me that she phoned and has payed for the funeral, what a hard thing to wright down and just to think about but as i have said i hope that it is still a long long way off. 

                                                                              02/02/22

Slow start today Helen wanting up early to go down to the bank and sort out some of her accounts, i was about to go for a walk then around to the tip and then some charity shops to drop things off but that has now changed which is fine as i need to go to the bank as well to put some money in to my easy savings account for my new scooter that should take me to the first £1000 so i wont have to put to much to it on my birthday. Helen does seem wee bit more confused today or as i have noticed doing certain things can cause her bit of an issue like logging in she thought she forgot her log in detail's but it was just that she forgot to put a capital letter at the start, wee things like this seem to cause her some issues which as her steroids drop down to 2mg on Friday i shall have to keep a very close eye on this. Helen still finding it hard to get certain words out and it is frustrating her which is making it worse, I have left her in the bedroom in the hope that sh can have at least 30min shut eye so when she gets up for tea she may feel a bit better, if I get out tomorrow for a walk or cycle I may phone the hospital and ask for some advice as I don't know if it because she is on a lower dose of steroids or is this just something that happens with what is going on in her brain. 

                                                                                 04/02/22

Friday has arrived and no blog yesterday as things became to much for Helen and we ended up having to go to hospital to get Helen checked over, she became very confused on Wednesday until about ten at night so i phoned and they told me to try and let her sleep which i did and she was better after this, they phoned yesterday morning and asked me to bring Helen up with an over night bag just in case, they took bloods and urine to test and bloods came back fine but urine test wont be back until Monday. It was scary at times as some of the things she was asking me to do just did not make any sense at all and no matter what i said Helen just could not take it in and the difference after she had a wee sleep was like night and day, when she woke she started to apologise and could not understand why this happens every now and again, so we shall see how things go next few days now that her steroids have been put up to 4mg. Change in the weather today it is sunny but a lot colder and think we are due snow, how much we’ll not sure. I am away for a walk just to help clear my mind for a while and Helen seems ok and is going to have her peaceful time.

One of the questions Helen asked me to do.

Helen wee bit confused again but she is having a rest and I am hoping it does her some good, she has been clearing out somethings and some of it should not be thrown away even though she thinks it should but I have kept it an am going to go through it then show her sister and niece as they might like some as keep sakes, and I am going to give some to my niece in the hope that she will keep it and maybe give it to her daughter and of course I will be keeping some of it as well as memories with this beautiful women. It is strange seeing someone you love so much struggle like this one minute she seems so like herself and next she is asking you so many bizarre questions and all you can do is try your best to answer them or just go with the flow and make her feel that she is fine, and I am hoping when she wakes up that she is fine and will come through and sit with me and enjoy her tea and a bit of tv. 

                                                                A photo from todays walk

05/02/22

Well not a bad start to Saturday Helen did wake up at 3am and was having a bit of confused time she wanted to phone the hospital again, managed to get her just to rest and go back to sleep which she did and when we woke up for breakfast she did seem better and even now she still seems fine, yes I think I should expect these bouts of forgetfulness and confusion but it is trying to manage them and trying to help Helen get to what she wants or even just trying to get her to relax and take a step back. After breakfast I went for a walk while Helen had a bit of peaceful time I ended up at the shops getting helens paper and couple of other things and extended the walk back a bit, when I got home Helen was up so we decided to do a bit of clearing up and even hang a curtain in the hall and she was happy that she could help. Weather wise well it is cold and rainy/snowy but I may include another walk if Helen decides to have some more chill time, you may think that a lot of chill time is had but it really does help to calm her down and she seems more like the Helen I know and love so yeah chill away gorgeous.