59 to 60 part 49

 

                                                                            21/02/22

Hello and welcome to the next part of my blog, last night was ok Helen and i slept well and even at one stage Helen got in beside me for an hour which was so good and it also helped Helen as she was able to go onto her Side and sleep which helps her a lot as well, this morning we had cornflakes and toast with tea and i am hoping that at some point Helen will have a shower and it may make her feel a bit better as well, i am scared to get carried away with it all so am trying to take each day as it comes. It is a lovely start to the morning and have been out for a small walk around the grounds its still cold but it is good to see the snow drops growing and sun shining. Below are a couple of photos from Helens room.

The consultants have been and are happy to leave things the way they are and also happy at Helen’s improvement and all i can hope is that it continues. 

                                                              A wintry scene from my archive

Well managed home for a couple of hours and gathered a few things together to bring back including few things to eat for my tea as i should not expect them to feed me all the time at Roxbroughe house but it is very nice of them and i can honestly say that the nurses here must see a lot and have a lot to deal with and they do it very well i dont think it is a place i would be able to work they really are angels without wings. All at the house was fine but very quiet sat for 15min and just let my mind wander and as ever it wandered to Helen and to all that we have achieved together it was then that i noticed how quiet and how down i am.

                                 22/02/22

Well Helen had a not to bad night and seems bit better this morning after breakfast I managed to get her to do a wee walk and then bit of wash and sat on bed rather than lye down, I decided to start reading out loud and when I went for my walk I left my iPad on just playing some bird noises and it seemed to relax her a bit, she is worried about bills not getting paid and her money and her pension but she is struggling to tell me a bit more about this so I am going to try and see if I can start the ball rolling and see if can put her mind at rest, I have been for a walk and hopefully get another walk this afternoon at some point as no one is visiting today.  Couple of photos from said walk below.

Helen has had a not to bad day still sleepy but has been awake more but she is not eating to much so she will be low on energy but she has been bit more talkative and me reading things out loud and when I go out for a walk I leave my iPad on with some background noise and she does seem to not think to much but only time will tell. I am glad for the patient WiFi here and also Netflix as it is getting me through the days and nights.

                                                             Couple of more from archive 

                                                                            23/02/22

Well started with not to bad morning Helen up and had a shower then breakfast and then bit of a rest, consultant came to see her and are concerned about Helens low mood which of course is understandable given all that’s going on, they offered Helen something to help lift her mood but once again she does not want it which is upsetting and once again I had to leave the room just to upset, well the consultant came spoke to me and said that Helen would be not strong enough to have her chemo tablets but we will do all we can for her and basically see what happens, heart breaking stuff and I know at this moment in time Helen does not want to talk about it which I find really hard as all I want to do is help her as much as I can and at this moment in time I feel absolutely useless and broken. Helens niece has been and she was so happy to see her so i let them have some time together and went for a coffee with Colin which was good and took my mind of things for a while we talked about what is going on and football amongst other things and it did lift me a bit. When i got back Helens niece said that they talked and Helen had some chocolate and at the moment Helen is having a sleep, she is so peaceful and as i look at her all i can see is the Helen i love and my world i see no cancer just that beautiful women i fell in love with many moons ago. 

                                                                                24/02/22

It was a broken nights sleep not sure why as i did feel tired when i woke this morning and looked out i got a wee surprise as it had snowed over night and is still coming on and off at the moment, i went out and stood in the falling snow letting it hit my face and the cold breeze and for a few seconds I felt almost human again. 

Helen slept most of the day and night so this morning her blood pressure was low so we are trying to get her to drink a bit more as i think she is a bit dehydrated and i can her when she speaks that she is a bit dry but she has drank a good bit this morning and if i can get her to eat her lunch and have tea or water with it then hopefully her bp will come up a bit. At the moment Helen is sitting up and chatting now and again which is good as it was a long sleep yesterday. Joyce is up today and i am going to nip home to check the house and pick up some fresh clothes.                                                        

Joyce has just left but she did say she managed to have a chat with Helen which is good and we might have managed to sort another bit of stuff that has been worrying Helen. I got home to check all was ok and did a bit of washing and managed a wee seat in the house for a while. Bought the nurses some tins  of coke  and some sweeties as just a wee thank you for all they have done or are doing to help Helen and myself i never thought i would be able to spend as much time as i am if it was not for RH and the nurses who work here, i have worked with a lot of great nurses but it takes a special kind of nurse to work here and i have said it time and again they are angels without wings. 

                                 25/02/22

Well Friday is here and Helen has had an ok start to it, a very hearty breakfast of cereal and then bacon on toast which she scoffed up, was then a time for a shower which was ok and after that instead of going back to bed Helen sat on the big chair beside the window and is currently enjoying the sun shine on her. Helen has also done a lot of walking to as physio came to see her and got her up and walking round the room which although just a small thing it’s a big thing to me as she has not been lying down all day sleeping. It will soon be lunch time but not sure if Helen will eat anything but that’s nothing new as if we were at home and after breakfast we normally would not have anything else until around 3pm. So as days go this has been ok I hope it continues.

Well Helen sat in chair which is good and even though she sleeps she has been awake more and think is just enjoying looking out the window and getting fresh air as well she has also drank much more fluids as well and am wondering if she shall manage her tea tonight. I sit here on my own and wish someone would come with a really cold pint of cider 🍺 

                                26/02/22

Saturday has arrived and it has been an ok start to the day Helen had a good breakfast but I do feel we are turning into toast well this is what Helen said this morning, we are going to be getting up around 11 and have a wash and sit in the chair as her niece Helen is coming to see her today which is good. I have been out to the shop and bought few supplies some salad stuff and orange juice just bits and bobs to keep us going if Helen gets hungry, but she is right I think I have eaten my own body weight in toast. Here some pictures from wee walk. 

Helens niece came and it was good as Helen was sitting up and they managed a wee talk, i nipped to Tesco and had a coffee before coming back and speaking as well for a while, Helen was tired and has been awake since 8am so she is now having a sleep and i have been out for another walk around the grounds, i was out walking and all i wanted was to be at home with Helen watching TV and maybe having a glass of wine just sitting chatting about well nothing really just being in the house together. My name is Ged but i feel the real Ged has gone and i am not sure he will be back.

                                  27/02/22

Hello and as we enter the last few days of this year long blog I’m sorry that the last few weeks have been tinged with sadness at all that is going on right now, I have been up then down and trying to hold it together and trying to keep Helen on this earth as long as I can. The last few days have I suppose been fine as days go it has seen Helen eating bit more sitting up but more and watching tv and getting some much needed fresh air. The day started with another good breakfast and after that Helen is just lying on her side having a rest and the bill did are chirping away and the sun is shining. I have been out for a walk and walked through balgay cemetery mmm i know that’s sounds bit weird but it was so quiet and the views as you climb up the hill are pretty stunning I even had a seat and closed my eyes and felt the cold air on my face it was so refreshing and yeah it did give me a small boost. So as I say my last few days of this blog let’s see how things go. 

                 Some photos from todays walk 

Well the last Sunday of this blog as the next one should be published next Friday night on my 60th. Was at the house today check things over and managed a shower, also had chat with Dale and Nikita and sending Helen thoughts and love. I am now back at Roxburgh and we have had a bite to eat and now Helen is having a  snooze, joyce had a bit of a better time today as well as Helen was awake for most of her visit. I am going to have another walk soon and wee stretch before I put my pjs on and well that will be it for another Sunday and of course I worry about next week will bring. 

Ged 

59 to 60 Part 48

                                                                             14/02/22

Hello and welcome to part 48 and what started as a hard day ended with bit better news, Helen called last night at 11-30 was bit confused and worried I phoned the ward back and they got a nurse to go in and she managed to settle her down, she phoned again this morning and although she was still bit confused she wanted me to open my Valentine card as she was wanting me to take photos of it and I read it out, it was really lovely, so I opened hers and read it out to her and then told her I would be up to see her soon. I went to the ferry and got a cup of tea and then three spiky mikiys or star biscuits which Helen really likes and then headed up to the hospital. Helen was ok most of my visit she did get a wee bit confused especially when she was getting tired. A consultant was meant to come back to see her but the wait was to much Helen kept saying come on come on and I think she was wanting her back before she got to tired so I ended up going and asking can they please find out if they are coming to see Helen and sure enough a palliative care came to see her and gave Helen a couple of choices and we are going with the second, Helen is going to go to Roxburgh house where she can recuperate if all is ok they said it is not end of life care it is a place where they can get her used to going back home and help with what she would need and also she can get a pass to go home and a nurse would go with her or she can just get a pass and we can go for tea or a coffee, they also will offer her physio and some therapy to help her relax which Helen needs so much she needs to be able to rest and I mean all of her she has been through so much and I just don't think she has had a really couple of good nights rest, we now hope that her head scan comes back and nothing has moved in her brain and I have everything crossed. 

                                             our cards but Helen added to mine she is so beautiful

                                                                               15/02/22

Well today has been a much better day for Helen, when I went in they told me that she had not long had a bubble bath and that she was now away for a scan of her head, when she came back she was or looked so much better that she has in a long time what an amazing women the torment she must have gone through her brain just working 24hrs nearly every day and then today she just was more like Helen I think she even managed to get a better sleep, the consultant came to see her and said he was happy with first look at scan and he will know a bit more when he gets a better look at it, he is also happy for Helen to get this help at Roxburgh in the hope she can come home when she feels more like her self, he asked her some questions to see how her memory was and she managed to answer and after all she has been through well it was so good and I hope this continues so she can just get this break she needs, normally by the time I leave she can be a bit confused but today she played a game of solitaire on her kindle and that is a massive step as she wasn't really able to do much like that in the last ten days or so I am really hoping she can get a good rest tonight and it continues helping her to well just relax and give her head a rest and in all honesty I can imagine how worried Helen will be about coming back home, just imagine if you can a place where you have stayed for 35years a home and you are worried or scared about going back to that place and then I think you will know what she has had to endure. My thoughts are with her constantly and I hope tomorrow she is even better but I will take anything no matter what as long as she is comfortable and settled.  On way home I felt bit better so decided to dry the back roads and it was a full moon so I pulled over and took a couple of photos.

                                                                               16/02/22

Well today started early as Helen phoned the back of five in the morning was a bit confused and i think the fact is she never had a good nights sleep as when i phoned at nine they said she was settled and having breakfast, when i arrived she was still bit confused but i could tell she was tired as her eyes looked really heavy and she seemed a bit of kilter, a lot of consultants and the likes came to see her and i felt it was to many but have to say the news as things go was good, her scan cane back and they were happy with everything but they are still trying to find out why at times Hellen is a bit confused, she went to the toilet while i was there and all i can say is her pee was really smelly and cloudy so i told the nurse and they are going to check this again. While there they decided to scan her bladder to make sure all was ok and it was but after they scanned it Helen fell asleep for about fifteen minutes and when she woke she was much better and seemed more on the ball. We are still waiting on a bed for Helen at Roxburgh house to help her relax and get the help she needs in the hop that one day she gets home and all i can say i hope this happens soon as as much as the staff in ward 32 are fantastic really they have given helen all the help they can but she needs a place with no beeps or buzzers or phones going off someplace where she can have a really good or few good night sleeps and their is a slight chance this may happen tomorrow, fingers crossed. As for me well not much to say was in the town this morning to get Helens glasses sorted then the hospital spending nice time with Helen.

                                                                      17/02/22

Well what as been a long day especially for Helen she has finally been transferred to Roxbroughe house, when I went to see her today she was so down I could not get her to concentrate on much at all and even when her sister came Helen just wanted to go to sleep as she was fed up and angry at the fact that she just did not know what was going on but finally one of the nurses from ward 32 came in to see her to tell her that they finally had space for her at R H and although Helen became a bit scared it was the best thing that happened all day, but please let me say that the staff in ward 32 Ninewells looked after my wife like she was one of their own. As soon as Helen got to RH she fell asleep and even when consultants came she woke for a while but all she wanted to do was sleep and she did, I stayed until 9pm so when she did wake up she never woke to no one being beside her and all I can say that when she did eventually wake she was more like her self and ate some toast and had a cup of tea, she was put on a drip as well as she was a bit dehydrated and they managed to get a urine sample which was still very smelly and they seem to think that she may still have an infection. When I left she was settled and I am hoping she can get as much sleep as possible and it does her good. So that was my day and truth be told the fact that I was able to sit with Helen and have tea and toast with her well yeah that was a good day especially after the way it started. As you know my mission was to keep Helen on this planet as long as I can, Helen mentioned that she won't be here for my Birthday this morning when she was having a hard time, I told her well no one has said that all they have said was they will try to get you home or enough confidence to get you home but truth be told I don't care if Helen is still in RH or home for (of course home would be best) as long as she is with me then well that's the best birthday present I can ever have.

                                                                             18/02/22              

Well as i sit here with Helen she really has had a more settled day but lots of people coming in and asking questions and although tired Helen really managed well and it is good to see her more calm and at the moment she is having a rest, i have told her that i will stay as long as she wants and also i have to admit although we are not in the house it has been good to sit and just watch tv together and have a chat. The snow has been on and off today but has not laid and the wind that was forecast well i have not heard or seen any of it yet, this morning it was heavy rain so never really did that much before coming to see Helen.       

Well another day spent with Helen simple pleasures like being able to watch tv and have a bite to eat with her are to me great moments and she seems calm and a lot more settled when i left and i hope as always she gets a good night sleep and feels better tomorrow. As for me i shall be heading home soon and having a hot blackcurrant in hope i can keep this cold at bay.

                                                                         19/02/22             

A real hard day, had a phone call from Roxburgh late last night saying Helen was agitated and can i come up, so i dashed up and she was wee bit more settled so they made me a bed up and i stayed the night. She did sleep most of the night as did i but today has been a really hard day for her and it is only now that she seems a bit more settled, she has been refusing things all day so they had to give her the steroids with a jab and doctor gave her something to settle her down and she i am hoping it works. I of course have been upset most of the day Helen sister Joyce came up so i managed to get home for a while and get a change of clothes and a quick shower and something to eat my brother came up and picked me up and sat with me a while which was good as i have not seen him in a while.

A photo of my mum with her dad i wish mum was here so i could speak to her i really do. Helen i love ❤️ you.

                                   20/02/22

Spending days with Helen in Roxburgh as strange as it sounds has been really nice, she has had a very settled day and asked me if we can just speak about things non medical and so we did, we spoke again of holidays, nights out and lot of other things and just took our mind of all that has been going on and so many happy memories. I am going to spend as much time here as I can to see if it can help Helen so when she wakes in the morning I’m there and once again I am hoping tomorrow is the same. The blog now of course mainly about Helen and of course as she is my main concern. I am not doing much else I manage wee walks beside here and do bit exercise and tomorrow if all being well when Helens sister arrives I will take a couple of hours out and head home to check the house. Until next week thank you for continuing to read my blog. Ged 

59 to 60 Part 47

                                                                             07/01/22

Good morning and after not a to bad sleep I feel a bit better and am about to give the place a quick clean and then out for a walk to get some fresh air, I have heard from Helen and she has had a nice sleep as well and feels better for it and I am hoping once the consultant has been she is still ok and either will get home today or tomorrow. Well and as the weeks go in we get closer to the end of this blog all I can think is wow is it really a year I have been doing this? I have enjoyed it and it will be good to look back on as time goes on, but I am wondering should I continue doing blogs every now and again? Well truthfully I may well do that but not every day you will be glad to read I may do ones every month or two weeks or when an event takes place as I am aware that doing one every day it can become a bit boring mmm so we shall see. So lets see what the start of the week brings.

Well another day of back and forth to the hospital as Helen has become really confused and when i arrived at 3pm her sister was their and I ask how she was Joyce just shook her head to say very confused, when she left i could see that Helen was just not really on the planet and i noticed that her phone was not about, i asked her where it was but all she would say was shhh just leave it i buried it, i then noticed her kindle was gone as well, i asked the nurses but they could not find it and said she had only been to the toilet and no where else, i rang the phone and even though it was ringing no one was able to here it, when i was driving home I thought oh hold on her book or her papers were not about either, we now think that Helen has thrown them in the bin and if this is the case she will not get them back, i had to go back up at 7-30pm  as she phoned from the hospital landline telling me that they were going to close the coffin and i am drying tonight, when i got to the hospital i stayed for a while and that is all she would say and this is the reason why i think she through her phone, kindle, papers and book into the bin. I am hoping she has settled now and she can get some sleep and that the antibiotics kick in tomorrow withy the steroids as well as it must be so hard for her with all these thoughts going through her head. I am home and about to have a cup of tea and charge an old phone and if helen feels better tomorrow i will give her this with a new pay as you go deal and if her old phone does not turn up i shall have to phone virgin and cancel her contact which is a monthly deal. 

                                 08/02/22

Phoned the hospital this morning and helen seems a bit better but still a bit confused, I slept not to badly but still feel bit tired after yesterday and I suppose jus a build up of everything that has gone on. I have managed to get phone sorted for Helen and if she seems better I shall give to her in the hope that she doesn’t throw it away. I’m currently just enjoying a coffee and I’m heading for a wee walk before I go up to see helen but her niece is going at 2pm to see her first. 

Well another hard day a day that I thought helen had improved slightly which she has but a couple of things that happened that when I got home left me in tears, I am so desperate to get her home but at moment I just can’t see any way this will happen, this is so hard to take and watch but I am still praying that with each day she may get to the stage where helen can come home. When I did get back there was a parcel from the people I work with in Perth some lovely sun flowers and I hope Helen can get home to see them. 

So it is another night on my own just watching tv and trying just to stay calm, I will phone the hospital around 9-30 to see how Helen is but she did answer a txt I sent earlier. I hope to get a decent sleep and hope Helen does the same. 

                                                                         10/02/22

It has a been so hard to get to my blog as things have taken a turn maybe not for the worse but enough to keep me busy and I have been very upset to the point of most of the day yesterday I was constantly in tears as on Wednesday night I was called to go back up to the hospital as Helen said her vision was a bit blurry so they put her in a side room, I rushed up and the doctor was already in seeing her and she was fine but very confused again, I sat with her for a good hour and a half and she went into bed and managed to get her to rest. Yesterday when I phoned they told me she was dozing as she never slept well and she was still wee bit confused so I told them I would phone back at 12 noon, when I phoned the nurse looking after Helen said she was very agitated and they were having to get a consultant to see her, by this time I was so upset and I lost control of my emotions and just could not stop crying, I went up early after telling her sister that she maybe should not visit today due to what has been going on, when I arrived at Hospital to my surprise Helen was sitting on her bed and she was well my Helen she was remembering things and she was upset when I told her about her phone and kindle and was asking just normal questions, it lasted for about an hour before she became very confused again and but I still managed to speak to her and when she lay in her bed I sat beside her and we talked about things we have done together like holidays or going to gigs she mentioned my trip to Everest and Peru amongst other things, yeah she kept getting a bit confused but the visit turned out better than I expected. When I phoned last night they said she was ok and she was sleeping which did help me a bit as well knowing she was sleeping. Before I called I felt the need to get out of the house so I went for a walk near sheilhill it was very refreshing. 

Well what started as a good day has needed up just heart breaking Helen seemed ok most of the day and i went up about 1-30 and we chatted for a while and she really did sound the best she had in a long time and they told her that she can go home on a pass and if she felt it was to much she can come back in, i was so happy and scared as was Helen, we had to wait for some drugs to come that took forever but when they came Helen was ready to go, on the way home she seemed fine as well but unfortunately when she got in the house it all came a bit to much and she went downhill very fast and became agitated and wanted to just keep walking back and forward to the bedroom and back to the living room and just could not get her to settle down, they gave me drugs to help with this but it was an injection and i was not allowed to give it i was meant to phone out of hours and they would send someone who was able to give it, well that was pointless as they sent an ambulance, dont get me wrong they were excellent but when they saw what they gave me she was baffled and said they should have given me pre filled syringes and showed me what to do, it has made me angry as they had to take Helen back to the hospital which just broke my heart i was just so upset having to watch her go back in an ambulance I just can’t help think if i had or was able to give her this injection she would still be at home and a bit more settled. So i sit here filled with tears at being so close to having my beautiful wife beside I wouldn’t have cared if she slept or if she just wanted to sit quietly, but no she is back in ward 32 and all i can do is sit here feeling numb and once again broken.

                                                                                   11/02/22

Well today Helen was ok a lot more settled and although would say some stuff out of sync she was pretty much talkative and i hated leaving her but i am hoping that a good nights sleep will be had by Helen and she feels bit better tomorrow, i am struggling today with the blog but i thought i would try to just put a bit in, i bought flowers for Helen’s dad and her sister Joyce shall take them up on Sunday. I am sorry for this being so short today but i am just feeling broken at the moment.

                                                                                  12/02/22

Could not go to bed last night not sure why i just did not want to go so i slept on the settee on and off, this morning I received txt messages of Helen they were very clear and not mixed up she then phoned and she was very clear and no confusion, i think when she first gets her steroids she seems more settled. And i think that is all that Helen wants, i am going up at my usual time back of 1 and Helen her niece will be up at 2. It is a poor day very grey and rain is on, i am going to go out soon and get something for Valentine’s Day for Helen i may try and get some flowers and a ballon with i love you on it. Well I went to get Helen a rose with a ballon and broke down in the shop the two girls who worked there were very nice to the point that they never charged me for it which was just so nice of them. Went a bit earlier today to see Helen and she was really good today we sat across from one another holding hands and chatting about this and that she was tired but I am not surprised after what she has been through, she was wanting to stay awake so we could chat and also in the hope that she would be able too get a good sleep tonight and when I phoned the hospital later they said she was sleeping and looked comfortable and I hope she feels the same tomorrow but well rested as well. I am now in bed and hoping for a good nights sleep as well.

 

                                 13/02/22

Hi been at hospital most of the day Helen was a wee bit confused this morning for a while she thought she threw something out that she needed but when got here everything was still here, for second day really helen has been ok wee bit confused at times but mainly fine and been chatting for a while and she even got changed and we had a walk around the ward, her sister Joyce came to see her as well which was nice so I left them to chat for a while and I had a wee walk. Helen is currently having a wee sleep before her tea and I am sitting by her bed nice and quiet and it is so nice to be able to sit with her and just be here when she wakens up. I am my usual I’m breaking down a lot and just constantly feel sad and broken, and truthfully the way it is at the moment with Helen sleeping I wish I can get in beside her hold her tight and fall asleep together peacefully the both of us together in life together forever more my gorgeous wife and me. 

Ged

59 to 60 part 46

                                                                               31/01/22

Hello and welcome to a new week and it is hard to believe it is just over a month and then I will be 60 and this blog will come to an end. I am just back from a walk and it is sunny but cold and yeah it was a nice walk, soon I will wake up Helen and she is having a shower then we are going to the funeral director to discuss prices, a hard day and I am unsure how I will feel while going through this but my main priority is Helen as it is of course all about Helen and I am going on about how I will feel god how must she be feeling I know it is something we should all sort out but to do it like this it must be playing on her mind. So I had a quiet walk around Panmuirfield and then down to the beach before heading back to the house and Helen is having her quiet time which I think does her a lot of good. So here are some photos from walk. 

Back home after the funeral directors and it is what we guessed £4,800 but it has given Helen what she wants, I am so proud of her she is just so dignified and just courage shown well I cant begin to imagine what was going through her head but it never came out until we had left but Helen wanted to go to the shops then home where she can relax. I always wanted to go first as I feel Helen can cope with this world much better than me and if I could give her my life I would no one deserves to go through this but when it is someone so close to you someone you have spent most of your life with you are always going to say she does not deserve this and it is true she doesn't, I finish todays blog with a tears in my eyes.

                                                                                01/02/22

Hello and welcome to the start of a very blustery February i can feel the shed move as i sit in it and gusts of winds blow underneath it but one good thing the washing i did this morning is nearly dry and one bad things is i never got out for many cycle but have been for a small walk. We had a bit of a late sleep today whoopie yes it was actually day light when we woke this morning so i guess it is what we both needed. I spoke to my mate john this morning about him doing the talk at Helen’s funeral ( I hope this is a long time away) and he said he would be honoured to do it just like he was honoured to give Helen away on our wedding day so at least that bit is sorted now. I am trying to make the next few days about us no hospital appointments and just try to stay away form the subject of hospitals or doctors and lets just try and talk about us let’s just try and do things that we want to do, so lets see how that goes today.

I thought i would randomly put up some photos of my family and i am not sure if i have put up a photo off Abbie before sh is a lovely wee lass full of fun and she once broke my phone taking photos 😂 well that’s what i keep telling her.

Well it was indeed a quiet day was busy in the garden creating a w spot for some wild flowers and then a bite to eat, i am now just clearing up and then in for a shower then tea and then the football as tonight it is a derby game and even though i wont be there i hope w still manage to pick up all three points so i can watch the highlights later tonight. Helen has been busy tidying things up and she told me that she phoned and has payed for the funeral, what a hard thing to wright down and just to think about but as i have said i hope that it is still a long long way off. 

                                                                              02/02/22

Slow start today Helen wanting up early to go down to the bank and sort out some of her accounts, i was about to go for a walk then around to the tip and then some charity shops to drop things off but that has now changed which is fine as i need to go to the bank as well to put some money in to my easy savings account for my new scooter that should take me to the first £1000 so i wont have to put to much to it on my birthday. Helen does seem wee bit more confused today or as i have noticed doing certain things can cause her bit of an issue like logging in she thought she forgot her log in detail's but it was just that she forgot to put a capital letter at the start, wee things like this seem to cause her some issues which as her steroids drop down to 2mg on Friday i shall have to keep a very close eye on this. Helen still finding it hard to get certain words out and it is frustrating her which is making it worse, I have left her in the bedroom in the hope that sh can have at least 30min shut eye so when she gets up for tea she may feel a bit better, if I get out tomorrow for a walk or cycle I may phone the hospital and ask for some advice as I don't know if it because she is on a lower dose of steroids or is this just something that happens with what is going on in her brain. 

                                                                                 04/02/22

Friday has arrived and no blog yesterday as things became to much for Helen and we ended up having to go to hospital to get Helen checked over, she became very confused on Wednesday until about ten at night so i phoned and they told me to try and let her sleep which i did and she was better after this, they phoned yesterday morning and asked me to bring Helen up with an over night bag just in case, they took bloods and urine to test and bloods came back fine but urine test wont be back until Monday. It was scary at times as some of the things she was asking me to do just did not make any sense at all and no matter what i said Helen just could not take it in and the difference after she had a wee sleep was like night and day, when she woke she started to apologise and could not understand why this happens every now and again, so we shall see how things go next few days now that her steroids have been put up to 4mg. Change in the weather today it is sunny but a lot colder and think we are due snow, how much we’ll not sure. I am away for a walk just to help clear my mind for a while and Helen seems ok and is going to have her peaceful time.

One of the questions Helen asked me to do.

Helen wee bit confused again but she is having a rest and I am hoping it does her some good, she has been clearing out somethings and some of it should not be thrown away even though she thinks it should but I have kept it an am going to go through it then show her sister and niece as they might like some as keep sakes, and I am going to give some to my niece in the hope that she will keep it and maybe give it to her daughter and of course I will be keeping some of it as well as memories with this beautiful women. It is strange seeing someone you love so much struggle like this one minute she seems so like herself and next she is asking you so many bizarre questions and all you can do is try your best to answer them or just go with the flow and make her feel that she is fine, and I am hoping when she wakes up that she is fine and will come through and sit with me and enjoy her tea and a bit of tv. 

                                                                A photo from todays walk

05/02/22

Well not a bad start to Saturday Helen did wake up at 3am and was having a bit of confused time she wanted to phone the hospital again, managed to get her just to rest and go back to sleep which she did and when we woke up for breakfast she did seem better and even now she still seems fine, yes I think I should expect these bouts of forgetfulness and confusion but it is trying to manage them and trying to help Helen get to what she wants or even just trying to get her to relax and take a step back. After breakfast I went for a walk while Helen had a bit of peaceful time I ended up at the shops getting helens paper and couple of other things and extended the walk back a bit, when I got home Helen was up so we decided to do a bit of clearing up and even hang a curtain in the hall and she was happy that she could help. Weather wise well it is cold and rainy/snowy but I may include another walk if Helen decides to have some more chill time, you may think that a lot of chill time is had but it really does help to calm her down and she seems more like the Helen I know and love so yeah chill away gorgeous.